“I Used To…“
It’s a trap. It’s a trap that litters conversations and opinions. It does this by comparison.
Those with MS (and most likely all handicapped people) might often think of former achievements and challenges bested. That can most certainly be a positive thing if it reinforces the notion that patients did things, that they accomplished things they had to learn or adapt to do. The trap there is comparing that state to their current state. For instance, I am proud of the fact that I finished an Olympic-distance triathlon (after my diagnosis) and completed the MS 150 Bike Ride twice (before that same diagnosis). But, I can do those things no longer and it is extremely important to know that I once could and did.
It becomes drastically unhealthy when the mind switches to what someone could do, but cannot do any longer. They may feel inadequate or less of a person even though daily life is hard. They are getting by and making it through the challenges present every single day, and they may ignore that their daily life is hard and that simply living deserves applause. Those challenges aren’t always the same and often require adaptation and that is hard. Successfully ADAPTING and ADVANCING is noteworthy. Acknowledge that and appreciate what you have done and continue to do.
I still catch myself saying, “I used to…” quite a bit. I still write. I’m writing right now, but I don’t ride bikes or swim or play soccer or play basketball, and I used to. To avoid the aforementioned trap, I’m not going to follow up “I used to…” with “but I can’t anymore.” It might be and probably is true, but how does it help? Does it help? Did you start high school by declaring that you couldn’t perform calculus or speak Latin? Probably not, but you might have learned to. If you were self-aware and comfortable enough, you could say there were things you can’t do without the need to explain that you used to be able to.
Who does that help? Realize the answer to that question is no one. More often it only feeds self-criticism and negativity. It’s a challenge to remember what you did and that you did it successfully. It’s an even greater challenge to remember these things without your mind asking if you still can. It’s easy to see why it serves no purpose.
I keep and update a list for myself titled Things I’ve Done and refer to it when I’m feeling low. I have shown it to others, but it’s really just for me. I add an asterisk to the achievements bested after my diagnosis. There are many things on that list I may not currently be able to do or even attempt. Before I did them, there are things I never ever thought I would be able to do. Before I was diagnosed, I never thought I would get sick, not this sick, not handicapped! I used to be able-bodied and healthy. If you do compare, try comparing to the worst you’ve felt. You improved and you still can.
I never ever thought that I would inexplicably fall to the ground or that if I did, I wouldn’t be able to get up on my own. That has happened, and it happened in the middle of an icy, barren street. I laid there for longer than I can remember and there was no one I could ask for a hand or two hands or assistance of any kind. I did not possess the core strength to sit up, and that’s what I learned was the first step in standing.
So, I ACCEPTED it was up to me and that I could no longer rely on what I’d known my whole life. I was flopped down in the middle of the road and although there were currently no cars or trucks, I knew eventually they would return. I had to get up. I had to ADAPT. So, I flipped over. It was such a simple adaptation and one I don’t feel comfortable calling an epiphany. Based on that experience and others, I can confidently say that sometimes change can approach you that easily.
Getting up seemed impossible and using pre-diagnosis tactics, it was. I never lost basic arm strength and under new, updated parameters, I just needed to flip over and do a pushup. I was ashamed I hadn’t thought of it earlier, but sometimes overcoming seemingly impossible things can be just as easy as a pushup.
I now know and can share with you what didn’t help me up, shame. It never helps. It won’t help anyone. Keep that in mind when faced with insurmountable challenges. The loudest, most critical and often insulting, voice is that of shame. It’s never served you and never will, so why give it any power?